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Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

Celebration

A man went into a local bar, took a seat next to a women
he smiled and said hi, and said it was a
special day I'm celebrating.
what a coincidence said the women, so am I.
she clinked glasses wit him, and asked what are you celebrating
I'm a chicken farmer, he replied
for years all my hens were infertile
but today they are finally fertile.

What a coincidence said the women
my husband and I have been trying for a baby for years.
today the doctor told me I was pregnant.

How did your chickens become fertile, she asked.
I switched cocks, he replied.

What a coincidence she said, so did I.
_________________
The World is your Oyster. Bowls is for fun

Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played Bowls a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and far**d whenever he wanted.

The end
_________________
The World is your Oyster. Bowls is for fun

pandyboy · Just Training Joined: 11 Aug 2009 Posts: 40

police in portugal have temporarily suspended the search for Madelaine McCann as they search for the Everton defence

Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

pandyboy · Just Training Joined: 11 Aug 2009 Posts: 40

Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

Wife If I died would you remarry?
Husband
Yes, I suppose so
Wife
would you live in our house?
Husband
yes, it's a great house
Wife
would you let her drive my car?
Husband
yes, it's nearly new and very economic
Wife
would you sleep in our bed?
Husband
yes, it's only a year old and cost 3 grand
Wife
would you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband
Nah, she's left handed
Husband
Shit

Wife.... Evil or Very Mad

_________________
The World is your Oyster. Bowls is for fun

Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, The young minister Noticed a cute glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned With tea and scones, They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it
wonderful? I was walking through The Park a few months ago And I found this little package on the ground. The directions said To place it on the organ, Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
_________________
The World is your Oyster. Bowls is for fun

Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door.

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something
woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered
the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and
asked, 'Would you like to buy some peaches?'

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and
asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'

He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a
little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee
off asking, 'Are they nice and pink like this?'

The farmer said, 'Yes ma'am' and another tear
came from the other eye.

Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee
and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'

He again said, 'Yes, ma'am,' and broke down crying.

She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'

Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans,
a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.
_________________
The World is your Oyster. Bowls is for fun

pandyboy · Just Training Joined: 11 Aug 2009 Posts: 40

DEAR GRIM REAPER
WHY HAVE YOU BEEN SO CRUEL TO ME THIS YEAR
YOU HAVE TAKEN AWAY MY FAVOURITE DANCER MICHAEL JACKSON
MY FAVOURITE SINGER STEPHEN GATELY
WHAT HAVE I DONE TO UPSET YOU
PANDYBOY
PS MY FAVOURITE TWINS ARE JOHN AND EDWARD

Wrex · Brown Belt Joined: 16 Apr 2009 Posts: 413

Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

_________________
The World is your Oyster. Bowls is for fun